Losing Your Best Friend..
I believe that everyone needs friends. They offer you a different perspective and make like more joyful. I haven't ever done a life post. Telling you something that has happened in my personal life. I feel as though it would help me in a therapeutic way and if anyone else is going through a similar situation that they can relate.
I am no longer friends with one of my best friends of 11 years.
Do I regret deciding to not be friends with her? No. Do I wish/think I could have tried harder? No, actually I tried more harder then I should have. So heres the situation. Me and my best friend, lets call her Emma, have been besties since high school where we both went. We were in the same form/ home room class but had a different group of friends outside of this who'd we hang out with at lunch. She was a lovely girl, nice and friendly to everyone, didn't want anyone to feel left and and tried to make those who didn't have many friends feel welcome. I always envied and still do how she is able to have someone feel like this within the first few minutes of speaking to them.
It wasn't till after school had finished that we spent more time together and formed the same group of friends of which there was 4 girls. This meant we were going to the same parties and nights out with each other which turned into getting ready together and organising ourselves for whichever event, together.
About two years after graduating from high school things started to occur to me about her that were odd and slightly annoying. Her actions and words weren't adding up. Im not being picky but when some things don't quite make sense about someone, not their views/ opinions, you kind of remember it. For example she was working 3 part time jobs whilst most of the friends including myself were working one and going to University. In organising ourselves for occasions were one of us girls would drive she'd always bring up petrol and how little she had in her tank, and how she doesn't have a lot of money, so could she have some petrol money from us all or could someone else drive (even though picking us all up was going to be a bit jagged across the suburbs). Lets just say she hardly drove.
The first couple of times she raised this issue of her low petrol, I got it cause thats what I was experiencing but I didn't complain or raise this to anyone. I thought that as part of offering your car as taxi, that you forget the cost of petrol and if your low, filling up was your out of pocket expense and none else's. Plus were all friends here so having to drive us to wherever shouldn't have been seen as a hassle. Then I felt as though that's all I heard from her when events etc were announced. This got annoying and I couldn't figure out how she couldn't afford petrol based off of how many jobs she was working and how little she told me she spends .
I should have said something to her. I should have pulled her aside and privately told her how I and the rest of the group felt about the lack of petrol complaints. I mean were best friends, thats what you do, look out for each other. I'm not sure if she realised what she was doing. Maybe that would have nipped this all in the but.
Everyone else in the group did. Noone was going to tell her. Yes we did manage to get around having to fork out the $5 petrol money by someone else driving but those $5 can add up over time and as friends you give in the friendship from time to time. Honestly it got to the point of not wanting to be around her when events were discussed for the fear of her saving her money and petrol and using me for a ride on my one part time job. That went for everyone else.
When the people she would normally rely on for lifts already had plans, she turned to the boys for lifts. Not making the effort to text or get to know them when we were out somewhere, she'd ask them randomly what they were up to being obvious she was leading towards a lift. A general consensus was learnt that this was annoying if someone brought it up in conversation and it was quite obvious she was only asking the boys for lifts that was convenient for her only and it turned that some of the boys would deliberately organise things and not let her know for this fear. A last minute awareness of the event would see her scrambling for a lift, only to rely on her parents.
Like I said this is one instant where her words (working 3 jobs) and actions (not driving) weren't adding up. This stuck in my head though and I was weary of what she said and did following this cause I didn't want to be used.
This also highlighted to me that everything is about Emma and how self centred she is. Mean sounding I know. She would always say something in a way that benefited her. Geez I have too may examples that Ive lost count but a recent time was when she ditched me out clubbing and went home cause she couldn't find me after she was done in the toilet. This is after my many phone calls and texts to see where she was when I was right by the bar where she'd left us and I said I'd be. I understand there is times when something is all about you like on your birthday but this was getting annoying.
It was obvious whenever the group was out doing something that she wasn't happy. She never made the effort to join in, no matter how hard I tried to have things swung her way. Even to the movies or the beach, she had some reason why she couldn't come including it being last minute. It just boggled the mind a bit. She was always on her phone looking like she'd rather watch paint dry. Coupled with the lifts, she was slowly stopped being invited to things. Noone likes an unhappy person around them. There was a couple of occasions where she found out about gatherings through photos on Facebook. One she was busy and couldn't attend the other she wasn't invited too. Of course she got upset as you would. So when the boys next organised something I saw see wasn't invited to I asked if she could come. Not being a problem she turned up but again she pretend to be happy. That's when the boys stopped including her full stop.
Emma made the effort to plan events for the girls and I say why not? You know our own movie nights, sleepovers, lunch, shopping etc through text or Facebook. Again the petrol thing rose and 99% of the time we all drove separately. However 90% of these events never made it through to execution. Weirdly she was changing the date or time or location and cancelling it cause she couldn't make it! This effort to keep up with the accurate plan was time consuming and got annoying.
Another thing I noticed was that she was always very critical. I remember one time when Emma made a inappropriate comment about to another girl. She criticised this girl's decision to working full time after high school would have been better if she'd gone to uni right after high school finished. It was comments like this that made Emma's personality not attractive. What right did Emma have to say this to the girl when she didn't know what she wanted to study and it would have been a waste of time and money had she just studied something for the sake of it. I remember one of the times she critiqued the way I would respond to someone. Not knowing what to say to her in response I and anyone else on the receiving end ignored her. Though she wouldn't think she'd done anything wrong.
Noone wants to have to watch what they say (in moderation) and especially around friends you should have free speech or your around the wrong people. This is what it was more and more becoming like with Emma. Having to walk on eggshells to not say something she'll criticise you for and hurt your feelings, or say something she didn't know about. Best friends shouldn't have this problem.
The attitude that would come across with her in conversations was that her life was much more favourable and she was doing things in her life the right way. She is never wrong and couldn't be corrected. Though she wouldn't listen. It was as if she wanted everyone to bow to her every word and worship her cause her life is 'perfect'.
If anyone said something back to her he way she said it, she'd get very defensive straight away and start to blame others for the misconception rather then herself. This also went for times when noone agreed with her view. She should accuse and point the finger for the disagreement on others, again insisting that its their problem they can't see her view. This is instead of understanding everyone has their own opinions and realising that while people can see where she'd be coming from.
Example: one of the girls' dad had passed away and she flew very short notice across the country to be with him. 3 days after the girl left Emma organised a girls night with a whole bunch of girls for sometime during when this girl was away (we didn't know how long she was going to be away). After mentioning this and trying to shuffle a perfect date weeks in the future for everyone, Emma cancelled the girls night after stating that she didn't see why we had to wait for the other girl to be back. She had a go at us 4 closet girls for not having her back but as we stated none of us agreed with her view, we thought it'll be respectful to wait. A perfect example too of how controlling she is and how everything has to go her way.
Exhausting right? Even just reading that all, and those are very few examples. It's just one aspect after another that you pick up on and makes you more weary of something else not being right. As you can see a lot of contradictions between words and actions.
I'm the type of person who will say what she thinks but doesn't look for an argument nor tries to create one. The self centred nature, 'always right' & 'perfect' attitude and controlling personality she had just got too much over the 3 years. It was one aspect on top of another on top of another. Just no. Just exhausting really and waaay too much effort.
To me thats not a definition of a friend. I opened up to one of the girls who I am very close with now and she saw the same things I did. Whenever something happened like the girls night for example we interpreted the same thing. It's through the friend I learnt about the boys and how the others in the group felt about her. No surprise it was the same thing.
The final straw was when she tried to jump on my holiday I had been planning for 6 months, booked and paid for. Being nice to me to let her come with me right after she found out wasn't nice. This coincided with her work; she had lied to them about booking the holiday so they really had no choice but to give her the days off during their 'no holiday' period. This caused upset with her fellow workmate who had penciled in those dates for her holiday months prior. I know that this didn't involve me and saying this to Emma when she rang me hand told me caused her to call me a "bad friend". Backtracking the next day, she said that was said in the heat of the moment when she was angry. Something I said you should never do when you're angry. I told her no she couldn't come on my holiday and for her book her own.
Enough is enough and I decided to not have any contact to do with her. She has sent me and two of the other girls messages trying to indicate why we aren't talking to her but even trying to reply to that is too much effort. One of the girls replied stating that Emma knows the reasons why they aren't talking and thats why they can't be friends. Also for the fear of her not listening and turning things back onto being my fault is not the negativity I want OR need in my life. Of course though she won't understand cause she thinks she never does any wrong.
Needless to say she has very few friends. I wish her all the bets but unless she looks at herself then she won't be getting very far in life. Think about it; how can 10 people have the same individual thoughts about you when there is one of you and it's all their problems??
My tips in a similar situations is to always say what you feel. Never let anyone put you down or hurt your feelings. If they do tell them this so they are aware an walk away. Never give them the opportunity to make themselves look or seem to look better. I feel that karma will come back and give them to what they have been putting themselves out to deserve.
I hope this made sense and helped someone out. I know this is an essay but it's something I needed to do and pour my heart out. I don't regret being her friend as it has thought me a lot about my strengths and how to read someones personality and trust people. I am so much closer with one of the other girls who seriously would do anything to help me out no matter what.
It is weird to think that after 11 years and all the tears of boys, laughter and dancing that it will only now be memories. Life gives you lessons is random and weird ways but there is always a sliver linking on a dark cloud.
I should have said something to her. I should have pulled her aside and privately told her how I and the rest of the group felt about the lack of petrol complaints. I mean were best friends, thats what you do, look out for each other. I'm not sure if she realised what she was doing. Maybe that would have nipped this all in the but.
Everyone else in the group did. Noone was going to tell her. Yes we did manage to get around having to fork out the $5 petrol money by someone else driving but those $5 can add up over time and as friends you give in the friendship from time to time. Honestly it got to the point of not wanting to be around her when events were discussed for the fear of her saving her money and petrol and using me for a ride on my one part time job. That went for everyone else.
When the people she would normally rely on for lifts already had plans, she turned to the boys for lifts. Not making the effort to text or get to know them when we were out somewhere, she'd ask them randomly what they were up to being obvious she was leading towards a lift. A general consensus was learnt that this was annoying if someone brought it up in conversation and it was quite obvious she was only asking the boys for lifts that was convenient for her only and it turned that some of the boys would deliberately organise things and not let her know for this fear. A last minute awareness of the event would see her scrambling for a lift, only to rely on her parents.
Like I said this is one instant where her words (working 3 jobs) and actions (not driving) weren't adding up. This stuck in my head though and I was weary of what she said and did following this cause I didn't want to be used.
This also highlighted to me that everything is about Emma and how self centred she is. Mean sounding I know. She would always say something in a way that benefited her. Geez I have too may examples that Ive lost count but a recent time was when she ditched me out clubbing and went home cause she couldn't find me after she was done in the toilet. This is after my many phone calls and texts to see where she was when I was right by the bar where she'd left us and I said I'd be. I understand there is times when something is all about you like on your birthday but this was getting annoying.
It was obvious whenever the group was out doing something that she wasn't happy. She never made the effort to join in, no matter how hard I tried to have things swung her way. Even to the movies or the beach, she had some reason why she couldn't come including it being last minute. It just boggled the mind a bit. She was always on her phone looking like she'd rather watch paint dry. Coupled with the lifts, she was slowly stopped being invited to things. Noone likes an unhappy person around them. There was a couple of occasions where she found out about gatherings through photos on Facebook. One she was busy and couldn't attend the other she wasn't invited too. Of course she got upset as you would. So when the boys next organised something I saw see wasn't invited to I asked if she could come. Not being a problem she turned up but again she pretend to be happy. That's when the boys stopped including her full stop.
Emma made the effort to plan events for the girls and I say why not? You know our own movie nights, sleepovers, lunch, shopping etc through text or Facebook. Again the petrol thing rose and 99% of the time we all drove separately. However 90% of these events never made it through to execution. Weirdly she was changing the date or time or location and cancelling it cause she couldn't make it! This effort to keep up with the accurate plan was time consuming and got annoying.
Another thing I noticed was that she was always very critical. I remember one time when Emma made a inappropriate comment about to another girl. She criticised this girl's decision to working full time after high school would have been better if she'd gone to uni right after high school finished. It was comments like this that made Emma's personality not attractive. What right did Emma have to say this to the girl when she didn't know what she wanted to study and it would have been a waste of time and money had she just studied something for the sake of it. I remember one of the times she critiqued the way I would respond to someone. Not knowing what to say to her in response I and anyone else on the receiving end ignored her. Though she wouldn't think she'd done anything wrong.
Noone wants to have to watch what they say (in moderation) and especially around friends you should have free speech or your around the wrong people. This is what it was more and more becoming like with Emma. Having to walk on eggshells to not say something she'll criticise you for and hurt your feelings, or say something she didn't know about. Best friends shouldn't have this problem.
The attitude that would come across with her in conversations was that her life was much more favourable and she was doing things in her life the right way. She is never wrong and couldn't be corrected. Though she wouldn't listen. It was as if she wanted everyone to bow to her every word and worship her cause her life is 'perfect'.
If anyone said something back to her he way she said it, she'd get very defensive straight away and start to blame others for the misconception rather then herself. This also went for times when noone agreed with her view. She should accuse and point the finger for the disagreement on others, again insisting that its their problem they can't see her view. This is instead of understanding everyone has their own opinions and realising that while people can see where she'd be coming from.
Example: one of the girls' dad had passed away and she flew very short notice across the country to be with him. 3 days after the girl left Emma organised a girls night with a whole bunch of girls for sometime during when this girl was away (we didn't know how long she was going to be away). After mentioning this and trying to shuffle a perfect date weeks in the future for everyone, Emma cancelled the girls night after stating that she didn't see why we had to wait for the other girl to be back. She had a go at us 4 closet girls for not having her back but as we stated none of us agreed with her view, we thought it'll be respectful to wait. A perfect example too of how controlling she is and how everything has to go her way.
Exhausting right? Even just reading that all, and those are very few examples. It's just one aspect after another that you pick up on and makes you more weary of something else not being right. As you can see a lot of contradictions between words and actions.
I'm the type of person who will say what she thinks but doesn't look for an argument nor tries to create one. The self centred nature, 'always right' & 'perfect' attitude and controlling personality she had just got too much over the 3 years. It was one aspect on top of another on top of another. Just no. Just exhausting really and waaay too much effort.
To me thats not a definition of a friend. I opened up to one of the girls who I am very close with now and she saw the same things I did. Whenever something happened like the girls night for example we interpreted the same thing. It's through the friend I learnt about the boys and how the others in the group felt about her. No surprise it was the same thing.
The final straw was when she tried to jump on my holiday I had been planning for 6 months, booked and paid for. Being nice to me to let her come with me right after she found out wasn't nice. This coincided with her work; she had lied to them about booking the holiday so they really had no choice but to give her the days off during their 'no holiday' period. This caused upset with her fellow workmate who had penciled in those dates for her holiday months prior. I know that this didn't involve me and saying this to Emma when she rang me hand told me caused her to call me a "bad friend". Backtracking the next day, she said that was said in the heat of the moment when she was angry. Something I said you should never do when you're angry. I told her no she couldn't come on my holiday and for her book her own.
Enough is enough and I decided to not have any contact to do with her. She has sent me and two of the other girls messages trying to indicate why we aren't talking to her but even trying to reply to that is too much effort. One of the girls replied stating that Emma knows the reasons why they aren't talking and thats why they can't be friends. Also for the fear of her not listening and turning things back onto being my fault is not the negativity I want OR need in my life. Of course though she won't understand cause she thinks she never does any wrong.
Needless to say she has very few friends. I wish her all the bets but unless she looks at herself then she won't be getting very far in life. Think about it; how can 10 people have the same individual thoughts about you when there is one of you and it's all their problems??
My tips in a similar situations is to always say what you feel. Never let anyone put you down or hurt your feelings. If they do tell them this so they are aware an walk away. Never give them the opportunity to make themselves look or seem to look better. I feel that karma will come back and give them to what they have been putting themselves out to deserve.
I hope this made sense and helped someone out. I know this is an essay but it's something I needed to do and pour my heart out. I don't regret being her friend as it has thought me a lot about my strengths and how to read someones personality and trust people. I am so much closer with one of the other girls who seriously would do anything to help me out no matter what.
It is weird to think that after 11 years and all the tears of boys, laughter and dancing that it will only now be memories. Life gives you lessons is random and weird ways but there is always a sliver linking on a dark cloud.
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